missing my British twin.

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The 90’s and early 2000’s pop culture marketed at young tweens had a weird obsession with twins. If you went to a sleepover and didn’t eat pizza and watch Billboard Dad (or another classic Mary-Kate & Ashley movie) you weren’t crimping your hair right.

Knowing its audience well, Disney reintroduced The Parent Trap in 1998. This movie convinced me I had a long lost twin somewhere in the world and that I needed my ears pierced. It also kicked off my deep admiration for Lindsay Lohan & Dennis Quaid. My mom assured me from her eyewitness experience of my birth that I most definitely was not a twin, but sometimes on my hard days I like to imagine there’s a British version of Emily on the other side of the world. She’s having a great hair day and has perfected all of the steps to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” choreography. In other words, I hope alternate me is having a killer day when I am feeling less than.

This idea of imagining another you in another space at the same time is the dip-your-toe-in-version of what a multiverse is.

Why am I writing to the internet about the multiverse? Because my idea brain is the most active on airplanes, with the heights and perspective and whatnot, and flying inspires me. It’s probably why I impulsively buy tickets instead of clothes like a normal woman. As I write this, I have literally flown from coast to coast and back again (Eastern Standard to Hawaii Pacific Time, which is 6 hours of difference so I was #TeamNoSleep). Then I listened to a podcast about the multiverse. If you’ve ever wondered how big someone can think, make sure they’re exhausted from travel and then challenge them with quantum physics and philosophy.

Time to get sciency: I learned that multi-universes are not plausible according to everything observable. Which is fine by me. But I’ve been in a heady space and I’m a heady gal and I think the universe is full of things unseen. I’m not saying that there’s other universes out there, but I do think it’s important to know where your head goes when your heart is hurting.

After changing time zones too quickly I found my mind wandering back to my long lost British twin and I wished her well, like the proper psycho I am and also like someone who misses someone when they’re alone on a plane 30,000 feet above everyone you love in real life. 

I don’t think the world does a good job of talking about loneliness. We’re all afraid to admit that from time to time, we all feel lonely. There’s an expectation that if you have awesome friendships, maybe a great romantic relationship, consistent/stable/healthy time with your family, or any other form of thriving community in your life then you aren’t allowed to feel sad when you’re alone. It’s like if you admit that you’re lonely, then you’re weird or desperate for more relationship in your life, which isn’t true. It just means you’re missing someone somewhere.

I’ve had a lot of alone time lately, and because of that I’ve felt real lonely. This is not a cry for help or a realization that I need more friends – I have those, I swear! – but it’s a simple statement of fact. I’m not good at being alone. For those of you who are into things like the Enneagram, I’m a Type 6 which literally means that my biggest fear is being without support and guidance from people/communities I trust. Without people around me, I tend to get insecure and indecisive and scared. Lonely likes to sneak in and whisper lies that my secure relationships aren’t actually so secure and no one wins. 

I don’t really have a tidy quote or life lesson prepared by being honest about this, other than the belief that loneliness is as powerful as it is normal. I’ve seen it make hearts hard and lead people to make split-second decisions that hurt themselves and others. So I decided I’m taking loneliness back.

The way to slay the dragon named “Lonely” is to embrace it with open arms – fully, wholly, completely. Don’t let Lonely tell you lies that you’re unworthy of love. Lonely just means you were brave enough to let people in once upon a time. That should be celebrated and I hope you continue to have courage to step into situations that scare you – like being alone or choosing love over apathy or renting a moped in Hawaii and pretending you know where you’re going.

We’ve got to talk about this feeling that can influence our decisions and bring so much shame around such a normal concept. So how do you respond to loneliness? Do you think being lonely is a bad thing? Why do you think admitting that we’re feeling lonely is such a hurdle for most people? If you’re feeling bold, leave a comment below or send me an email if you prefer a little anonymity.

The next time you’re feeling lonely, just know that we’re all missing our British twins and we all wish them well. Maybe there is another universe where they’re all wishing us well, too.

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Author: Emily Flanagan

Life in the PNW and everywhere else. Let's get breakfast.

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